When Jewel-Osco commissioned hourly-paid stalkers earlier this year, I applauded the old-school feel of this customer service campaign. A Jewel employee pushing your cart out of the store and loading the groceries into your car for you was a throwback effort to the days of exceeding customers' expectations, and I thought it had just enough publicity "zing" to succeed as a marketing tool and personal service.
Two grocery trips later, I was so over it. A 45-year-old man can't preserve his masculinity by watching someone less than half his age - or someone twice his age - pushing his cart full of groceries to the car. The awkward conversation-starters (mine always began with "I'm sorry for how messy my car is...") and the yet-undefined etiquettes associated with everything in this new experience were just too much for me to handle. Why were they forcing this service upon its customers? I felt the need to vacuum my car out and clean the windows before going grocery shopping, and I found myself giving deranged stares to the baggers that implied: "I'm not the kind of guy you want to follow to his car".
Next, Jewel-Osco eliminated the Preferred Savings Card, which was the only "preferred" status I had, anywhere. The card held a prime spot in my wallet, just behind my debit card and in front of my Dominick's, Ace Hardware and Walgreens savings cards. I used it without any shame that someone might track my purchases and find that Nestle Limited Edition Cinnamunch Drumsticks are forever trending upward. The best part of having the card was the joy of watching the monitor and seeing that total dollar figure subtracted from my bill, and knowing that not everyone was enjoying the same savings. I just saved $7.93!
And now Jewel-Osco has done it again with its announcement that they are doing away with my greatest grocery store ally: The self-checkout lane. What in the name of Essential Everyday brands is going on around here?
The reasoning is that they're trying to give more personalized service. But I'm here to tell you that service is never more personalized than in the self-checkout lane, where an employee is always needed to approve something that's not registering on the conveyor belt, to figure out just exactly what type of oranges I'm buying, or to simply punch in some magic code from the master register that allows me to pay and get out of there. But now it's going away, just when I was on the verge of mobilizing some people to petition for a single line leading up to the self-checkout registers. And I still haven't memorized the look-up code for onion rolls. I have goals here that I still need to accomplish!
These drastic changes and marketing campaigns may be the result of new ownership, but they beg the following questions: Have all the top brass at Jewel been thoroughly vetted? Is there a new reality series coming out soon that will focus on Jewel-Osco as a sort of "Grocery Store Rescue?" And most-importantly, what's next?
Will "Consumer Coaches" be hired to follow me around the store and approve or disapprove of my purchases?
"Wouldn't you like to take advantage of our 10 boxes for $10.00 special on those pasta noddles?"
"Why aren't you buying the Jewel brand of hot dog buns?"
"Do you plan on getting any protein today?"
How about this: "Jewel-Osco is proud to announce a new customer-participation program that allows you to slice your own deli meat!" Who hasn't wanted to churn out a slice of turkey and yell: "Is this thin enough?" Imagine the satisfaction of nailing a perfect .25 pounds of hard salami on the scale! But just take a close look at the onion loaf before picking it up....it's the most-likely place for a severed something to be camouflaged.
Whatever is next for Jewel-Osco, I'm looking forward to seeing more self-destruction. Like more and more customers, I'll just head over to one of the "boutique" grocery stores and over-pay for Juicy Juice while admiring how fresh the produce looks.
