Divorced Dad: Tip #19, A Woman is Coming Over—Be Prepared!

You're expecting company this weekend, and for once it's a non-relative female who isn't just there to babysit your kids! You've got a lot work to do, so let's review what we have to get done around the house before your future ex-lover, ex-girlfirend or ex-wife comes over, because the last thing you need is a disturbed and unnerved woman Facebook-posting compelling information about you and your living conditions.

So let's talk about what she can potentially see. The first thing to remember is that YOU ARE A MAN! More importantly: You don't want to give this girl ANY reason to question that. So don't hide the X-Box, go ahead and leave this month's issue of Maxim on the coffee table, and proudly display your 20th Anniversary Edition DVD of Road House. Those are all OK, I promise.

You just have to remember that misguided efforts to prepare your home could send the deadly "This guy is confused" message. So squash the temptation to burn the "Lilac Blossoms" candle for 12 hours, and forbid yourself from buying cutesy wall hangings from Hobby Lobby with inspirational sayings in cursive.

Lastly, review that DVD collection with a keen eye: Is "The Horse Whisperer" sending the wrong message?

On to cleaning. Let's assume you've done all your normal cleaning: you've washed the floors, dusted, emptied the sink of dirty dishes, etc. I'll go ahead and presume that you're savvy enough to hide the three weeks of unopened mail, and that you also had the foresight to replace your checkbook register with one that shows a current balance of $4,500. But let's concentrate on some less-obvious tasks.

Have you gone through your medicine cabinet and removed the "happy pills" prescribed by the therapist last summer? Is all the hair in the bathroom gone, PARTICULARLY the hair that comes from places on your body other than your head??? Let's face it, the bathroom is a half-day project, so prepare to take a day off from work just to do that.

Heading over to the kitchen. Let's make sure we have more non-alcoholic beverage choices than alcoholic beverage choices in the refrigerator. Next, go ahead and toss the 30-something condiment packets from every fast food joint within five miles. I'm sorry if this collection took you weeks to amass. It just doesn't look good.

What DOES look good is a nice variety of fresh vegetables and herbs. But be prepared to answer questions about your intended uses for these items! You can't just buy anything and then blurt out "tacos" if she asks what you're going to make with that gourd.

Now let's move on to the television. Here, we're talking about your On Demand purchases and your DVR recordings. Compromising purchases must be deleted! I don't care if it includes one that cost $10.99, and that you were planning to watch it a few more times before it expires in 18 hours and 36 minutes. We can't take any chances here!

Next, the DVR: What are you recording on a weekly basis? Because it doesn't matter if your DVR is 95 percent filled with episodes of The Deadliest Catch, Breaking Bad and Pawn Stars. One recording of Project Runway or Love It Or List It, and the jig is up.

Lastly, your computer. I know you've deleted your history (twice), but are you still logged on to Facebook? Will she finally see those mysterious private photo albums titled "Happy Endings in Vegas" and "I'm Not Sure What These Things On My Body Are : /"? How about your computer photo albums and homemade videos? Believe me when I tell you that your audition tape for "Survivor" is going to do more harm than good, so let's be careful here with what we decide to keep.

Overall, your female visitor mustn't be creeped out or feel that she needs to wipe down anything before she touches it. You have to remember that first impressions mean a lot. So spend some time thinking about how much pinache your life needs, and let's make sure she leaves your place with only positive memories and images in her head.

Good luck guys!