Well-meaning Helicopter Parents Do a Disservice to Their Children

Parenting styles have changed over the last 20 years, particularly the tendency to hover over one’s children. This is a state of parenthood that’s no longer relegated to just elementary-age children. It’s now wormed its way into the college years and beyond.

Consider this: An intelligent graduate of a prestigious engineering program lands a plum job with a well-known corporation. She’s 24 years old. The business holds an afternoon event on its campus for clients—and it just happens to snow that day. The mother of this graduate drives to the business headquarters, strolls into the event and lets her daughter know that she’s there to drive her home so she doesn’t have to navigate the snowy roads. The daughter—an adult—laughs it off because “that’s my mom.”

That’s just one of many stories I could relate about adults in their 20s being treated as if they cannot handle normal life situations by their well-meaning but overprotective parents. The problem begins when hovering parents decide early on to do everything for their children rather than requiring the children to do for themselves. (Child leaves a mess of toys in the family room? Parent cleans them up. Child left homework or lunch sitting on the counter? Parent runs it over to school.  Child has a project to complete and leaves it to the night before? Parents help design and produce the project. Child gets a grade less than a B? Parent contacts the teacher to get the grade changed.)

There’s a line parents cross, often without realizing it, when they continue to do things for their children rather than letting kids do for themselves—or learn to deal with the consequences. As a result, children don’t gain the confidence and knowledge that comes from accomplishing tasks, completing chores, negotiating social relationships, heeding warnings, and following through on expectations; nor do they gain the experience of being disappointed, failing, making mistakes, or realizing that they need to work harder.

Hovering or protecting children postpones or, worse, disables their ability to function with confidence in the world.

So why not prepare children, rather than protect them?

Parents don’t hesitate to celebrate the small steps their children take towards independence throughout the early years of life: first words, first steps, ability to drink from a cup, use a fork, throw a ball, ride a bike. They give their children immense positive feedback about their new accomplishments because they know those are milestones towards growing up.

When children start school, the parents’ job is to continue to support their children’s growth by teaching them about responsibility.  You might be surprised by how much young kids can do, especially if they think they’re being allowed to do a “grown-up” task. If unsure of where to begin, start by teaching them how to set the table for dinner. Then think about other things they can learn: completing homework, organizing their space (toys, books, desk), cooking simple dishes, clearing and washing dishes, loading the dishwasher, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, fixing things, mowing the lawn, cleaning, doing laundry, making a bed. (If your child is in high school and doesn’t know how to do these things, you’d better get busy!)

Kids learn to feel important and confident by accomplishing and contributing. Just ask any elementary teacher who assigns classroom jobs to kids. They take their jobs quite seriously!

If you haven’t yet held such expectations for your middle or high schooler, it’s not too late. Sit down and have a talk with them. Let them know that part of your job as a parent is to prepare them to be successful in life and that involves more than just academic success. Teaching your children how to be a contributing member of the family and also helping them get organized so that they can manage their “jobs” at school are gifts that keep on giving.

None of this is easy, which is perhaps why parents may opt out of doing it. Don’t be surprised—or put off—by refusals, tears, and yelling, which will come from the kids as well as you. The time to prepare your children to be independent is not when they’re in college. It’s when they’re in elementary, middle and high school.

If you do a decent job of preparing your children throughout their school years, you’ll be able to beam proudly when they become an adult at 21 (instead of at 30 or later), knowing that they can take care of themselves and navigate the world because they’ve had some preparation. When they run into situations that are unfamiliar or unpleasant, they will have some skills to fall back on that will enable them to figure things out. Most importantly, they’ll have some experience in problem solving. They’ll still need your advice, but you’ll be the “sage” rather than the servant. With any luck, they’ll even be able to drive carefully in a snowstorm.