The Divorced Dad: Tip #35, Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping can be intimidating, especially if you're mixing it up with battle-scarred veterans on a Saturday morning. Perhaps the thought is so daunting that you stick to getting your food from 7-11 or Walgreens. That's fine if you're single and your food groups include Tombstone pizza and rotten fruit. But what about your kids? They need some PROTEIN!

Maybe you're at the other end of the spectrum, and you believe you have mad skills at the grocery store. Well just because you did 90% of the shopping when you were married - even though you worked more hours than your ex-wife and she had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO DO IT - that doesn't make you a grocery guru. If it did, grocery aisle road rage incidents would be down 25%, your security camera photo wouldn't be hanging on the wall of Customer Service, and you wouldn't routinely drop $140 and come home with nothing to make for dinner.

So let's tackle both extremes and brush up on our planning, our behavior, and the various etiquettes of grocery shopping.

PLANNING: Did you make a list of what you need? If you have more than two packages of pancake mix in your cabinet because you're SURE you're almost out - yet you never seem to have any butter - then you need a list. How about your shopping route once you've arrived at the store? If you log more distance in one grocery shopping trip than you did last Christmas Eve at the mall, you may wanna think about a plan of attack.

Next, GET A CART! You've proven before that you can carry a basket with 20-plus items AND a 12-pack of Coke Zero, so stop crushing your bread and chips and get a four-wheeler. Lastly, lose that "Big Brother is watching" mentality and bring your Preferred Card so you can save $14 at checkout. No one cares if you use generic ketchup. Well, I do, actually.

BEHAVIOR: Don't get frustrated with other shoppers. You KNOW you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle just as much as the next person. In fact, your favorite move is to park the cart on end-caps and stroll down a couple of aisles. And that 80-year-old lady taking turns like she's steering the Queen Mary probably gets done shopping faster and more efficiently than you do. So slow your roll. Don't get mad at the employees, either. It's not the 16-year-old stockboy's fault that Jewel doesn't keep the bacon next to the ground beef.

Need to make a pit stop? Write this part down: It's not necessary, required or encouraged that you bring the cart with you to the bathroom. Believe me when I tell you that your Ramen noodles are still going to be there if you leave the cart OUTSIDE the restroom.

ETIQUETTE: What separates you from a seasoned shopping pro is knowing what you're supposed to do and not supposed to do in a grocery store. Let's break this down by store sections.

Your deli and butcher counters are where you're most-likely to walk away feeling like a moron. It's sort of like sitting down at a poker table in Vegas for the first time, having never played the game. Get a number, wait attentively for your turn, know exactly what you want and how much of it you want, and always say "extra thin" no matter what you order. Don't get fancy here and plan sub sandwiches for the next week. There's like five people in line behind you.

Let me briefly cover the produce section by saying there's an entire world of do's and dont's here that I'm not qualified to discuss. My best advice when entering this section is to grab two plastic bags, wear them like gloves wherever you go, and just take the piece on top.

Free samples of Eckrich Smoked Sausage! The first thing to remember as you approach free samples is the definition of "sample". You're not ten years old, and this isn't Halloween. ONE piece only. The last thing to remember is that smoked sausage sucks. Just because that hot, greasy piece on a toothpick hits the spot right about now, don't talk yourself into buying five packages.

Time to pay at checkout and get outta there!

First, use caution with pick-up lines at checkout. Think about the potential reaction to statements like "Wow.....that's a lot of toilet paper!" Next, don't respond with "Blackjack!" when the cashier calls out "Twenty-one." It may sound like a witty thing to say, but remember that it's 10 a.m. and you've just purchased a 1.75 litre bottle of whiskey. Lastly, leave the order separater for the person behind you, and say "thank you" when they do the same for you.

That's it for now guys. Remember to bring your "A" game each time you go shopping, and always get the ice cream LAST!