My New Rules for the Prairie Path

Do you use the Prairie Path? Is there anything you'd like to change about the Path or the people you see who walk, jog or bicycle on it? Well, I have some changes in mind. I don't want to rewrite universal bicycling regulations or common etiquette of this beautiful trail running through Elmhurst. These are just a few improvements.

As a self-appointed ambassador to the Prairie Path, I feel obligated to improve the trail experience.  My credentials include bike mileage on nearly every bit of the trail from here to Aurora and Elgin, three career flat tires, and more than 200 safe passages across the hazardous Hill Avenue in Glen Ellyn.

The existing rules of the Prairie Path are obvious: stay to the right, pass on the left, don't detonate fireworks, keep your firearms at home, etc.  There are unwritten rules, too, that you learn as you go: Refrain from taking pictures with your cell phone of a female passerby (even if she just smiled at you), no drafting like a race car behind some bike rider you don't know, and so on.

My proposed changes all deal with the people on the Prairie Path, and they would certainly make my biking experience more enjoyable. Let me begin by posing this question: Which of the following is the biggest travesty in men's fashion over the last 30 years?

1. Members Only jackets
2. Ed Harley T-shirts
3. Trek clothing

It's a toss-up, I know.  But for purposes of this rant, let's concentrate on Trek clothing and its future elimination from the Prairie Path. 

The problem I have with the whole pro bike rider "look" is that the ensemble exudes the declaration of superior bike-riding skill, membership to a fraternal society that oppresses non-Trek apparel wearers and the uncontrollable desire to be noticed.  It's the shirts that really put this look over the top. I ask you: What's wrong with dressing like The Cutters from the movie Breaking Away, and just riding your bike really fast?

Next, let’s talk lipstick and makeup and their imminent ban from the Path.  Since I don't put gel in my hair and I don’t put cologne on my body when biking, I have a hard time understanding why a woman would wear lipstick, blush or other beauty products when jogging on the Path.  While most people are out there to exercise, enjoy nature, etc., these women have apparently targeted the Prairie Path as a means to connect with members of the opposite sex.  So please lose the makeup ladies, or I'm pairing you all off with the Trek guys and hoping you find another hobby together.

The next change addresses the recumbent bicyclist. If you have a bad back or some other physical ailment, I realize that the ergonomic design of this bike is supposed to be a big benefit.

So my problem is not the bike, it's the bike owner. He is well aware that people are fascinated by his bike, and he has a smug look on his face that let's everyone know this. What he doesn't know is that the recumbent bicycle is a just a gapers delay on two wheels. We stare at Smart Cars, too, but that doesn't mean we want to own one.

Lastly, we have the biggest atrocity on the Prairie Path: the adult-operated bicycle bell. If you're old enough to vote, you shouldn't be passing another biker or saying "Hello" with the assistance of a bell. You are embarrassing yourself and hurting others at the same time. It takes a very evil mind to purchase this ornament of mental destruction, knowing that no one can ever fully recover from being passed by a bicyclist with a bell. So, without trying to figure out what makes this person tick, I propose that bells be removed from all bikes owned by anyone over, say, 17 years of age. 

If you've been on the Prairie Path as often as I have, you should have no objection to these proposals.  If you're not utilizing the Path, you're really missing out on something special.